


Diamonds Are For A Few Days in April

by WarnerHedgehog



Series: Brian and Eric [2]
Category: James Bond (Movies)
Genre: Berks, Big red button, Gen, Henchmen, Lasers, Spiky things, staircase
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 18:45:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7856899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarnerHedgehog/pseuds/WarnerHedgehog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another chapter of Brian and Eric had a go at wrecking James Bond. This is that chapter. It may get a few tweaks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Diamonds Are For A Few Days in April

Blofeld sat on his 'throne' at the top of the ornate staircase. In front of the stairs was a bridge, under which was a waterway filled with angry flesh-eating pond-skaters. He turned to his second, Ashskard, "Where is the intruder?" he asked.

"The intruder has passed security team five and is heading up the main stone stairway." was Ashskard's business-like reply.

"Good, good. Not long now until you meet you doom Mister Bond." laughed Blofeld, "Is the trap set?"

"The whirring blades of death are ready, as are the ultra-high-powered Tri-Skryrithium lasers and the gamma ray blasters. The swinging boulders, nuclear lions, vampire stoats, sharpened logs, pointy stick things and the spiky balls on chains are set. Bond will be toast." smirked Ashskard. "As a personal touch, I've added machine guns, spud guns, Ronald Reagans, phasers, zappers, flamethrowers and nadgers. He doesn't stand a chance."

Anyone who walked through the main door would have a world of deadly, pointy and generally nasty things trained on them, and secret agent James Bond was soon to walk right through that portal of mortal danger.

The time shortly arrived and 007 reached the doorway and kicked it open, "Ah, Blofeld. We meet again. Give yourself up and I'll go easy on you." He quipped.

"You really think you have it easy don't you Bond? Look around, for there's a veritable galaxy of death surrounding you. Time to die Bond." sneered the villain.

By Blofeld's side was a huge and rather ornamental red button, which he gleefully smashed with his gloved fist. Much to his surprise, absolutely nothing happened. He pressed it again, this time a shade more carefully, only to cause a banner to descend from the ceiling which read "Sorry to inconvenience you."

"Is something supposed to happen? It seems you're not the only one with friends in high places." With a smirk, the spy pulled a pistol from his jacket, "Time to say goodbye Ernst."

He pulled the trigger and a flag with "boink!" written on it came out and unfurled. "What the hell?" he gasped.

Blofeld laughed, "Ha! Should I be scared? It seems we've both been sabotaged. Get him Ashskard!" Ashskard stayed still.

Before Ernst could go red in the face and start shouting, he was interrupted when two weirdoes tap-danced in, shoved Bond aside and did a little routine on the bridge. "Hi! I'm Eric!" shouted Eric in a showbiz sort of way.

The other shouted camply "And I'm Brian!"

The routine came to a razzmatazz finish and Brian said in a more calm voice, "I expect you're all a tad surprised at the moment, so Bondikins and L'il Blofeld, we are members of the anti-berk outfit FLOUNCE, a group dedicated to preventing heroes and villains getting on everyone's wick and it was us that nobbled your weapons. You two have been acting like big tantrummy kids all around the poxing world for decades and to be honest the whole thing is wearing a tad thin."  
Eric chipped in, "We've been watching you carefully for a while and it seems like you can't seem to get away from each other. In fact, it's almost as if you don't want to be apart. We've meditated on it for a bit and we think the truth of the matter is that you actually love each other."

Blofeld was leaping up and down in apoplectic anger, "Kill them Ashskard, kill them now!" he squawked.

"Err, no." Replied his henchman, "you've been acting like a horribly spoilt brat for ages now and the henchman union have been on to me to sort you out somehow, so I asked FLOUNCE to send these two to get something sorted. That goes for you too, Bond. You come in here acting like some sort of on-the-edge-cop with an itchy trigger finger, killing people who are just doing a job for an ungrateful jerk."

"What have you done Ashskard?!" growled Blofeld.

"Well baldy," Eric spoke up, "You and Mr. Suave here are now married. Ashkard was your best man." Ashkard wordlessly handed Blofeld a ring, "It took a bit of arranging but now you two morons are hitched. Now will you kindly stop hacking up the world and do something nice instead?"

While Bond and Blofeld stuttered and stammered in shock, Ashskard opened a drawer and pulled out an envelope. It had 'Marriage Certificate' written on it.

And so it was that the one-time enemies settled into married life in a hollowed out volcano near Fiji.

The end.

Maybe.


End file.
